dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
