My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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