Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
grandma shit on top of the toilet
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
