How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
