she woke up with a sticky ear
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
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dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
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I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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