toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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