I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
