So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
