she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
my poor anus
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
