Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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