we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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