I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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