All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
