everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
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