I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
