i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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