maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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