So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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