if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
