i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
