i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize