I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Everyone says I win the strip club
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
