seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
