"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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