The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
