also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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