Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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