I swear god or herbie drove my car home
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
