I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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