After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
