I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
