The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
