You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
