Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Randomize
