You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
