Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We named our party play list daddy issues
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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