I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Randomize
