my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
