So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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