I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
