I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
