apparently the secret to your success is patron
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Too much gin, very little bucket
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
