The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
