Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
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