i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
