Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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