im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
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Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
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I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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