I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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