We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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