I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize