i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
