some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
