from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
